Crossing the Line Online: Cyber affairs not based on, yet impacting, reality
By Angela Kennedy
To many, the Internet has been one of the greatest inventions in recent years. Nothing compares to its efficiency as a communications tool or to its immensity as an information resource. But can this incredible advancement in technology actually play a role in destroying lives, breaking up marriages and devastating families?
You bet it can.
With Internet access in the home and workplace, more and more people are connecting with one another. The Internet — with its plethora of dating sites, personals, chat rooms, message boards and e-mail — has become the new singles lounge. Unfortunately, not everyone “hooking up” online is single offline. Determining where to draw the line while online is ambiguous to many individuals, causing cyber affairs to be on the rise.
“It is a function of technology and society. People have access to a means of communicating with one another,” said Brian Canfield, president of the International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors. “In the distant past, it had to be face-to-face. Later on, it moved to written correspondence and telephone. This is just a natural extension of technology that allows people to communicate on a level that can develop intimacy.”
Cyber affairs occur when online or Internet communication allows people to develop a level of intimacy and violate their promise of fidelity to their “real” partner or spouse. Online affairs are emotional and psychological relationships that go beyond flirtatious chatting. They may start out innocently, but can lead to actual physical encounters with the online acquaintance. This oftentimes blurs the definition of cheating, because the person involved in the cyber affair did not actually have a sexual encounter with his or her cyber partner.
“Obviously, people are going to say that ‘I never touched her, so it’s not cheating,’ but there are emotional cheating and emotional affairs. That’s when a person has fantasies or interactions with someone, and it interferes with a real-life commitment,” said Marlene Mahue, managing editor of Selfhelp Magazine, an online mental health resource. Mahue is a Licensed Psychologist in San Diego, Calif., and a member of the American Counseling Association.
Mahue noted that the sexual release, resulting from the fantasy of the cyber affair, could be looked at as infidelity, regardless of where the climax took place, or with whom.
“What difference does it make if you’re getting sexually aroused (by the online interaction)?” Mahue referenced an online survey that was conducted in 2000, “Women are not likely to reach climax when on the Internet, according to the survey. They will use the fantasy material that they gathered online and masturbate, or have sex with their partner, while replaying the fantasy in their head,” she said. “Men, on the other hand, will masturbate right online. Cyber infidelity cannot be defined by whether or not a person reaches orgasm.”
Both scenarios, if discovered by an unsuspecting spouse, can lead to trouble.
Mahue added that individuals in a committed relationship must establish clear and distinct boundaries when it comes to fidelity. “We are still relying on archaic wording of marriage vows that came about centuries ago. If you look at it historically, what’s happened is that, in the last couple hundred years, we’ve had a very rapid proliferation of sexuality in the country that is infringing on marital relationships. A couple getting married today has to sit down and say, ‘Look, given all these things that are going on, where are we going to draw our own lines?’”
The written world
In cyberspace, people are allowed to keep their anonymity. They can be whomever they want, claim to look however they want and type things they would never dare say in a face-to-face conversation. People become perfect as they hide their flaws behind screen names. They can lie about their motives and exaggerate their appearance.
Online people can take their time crafting the perfect response, question, suggestion or innuendo. They can re-write it repeatedly, checking their spelling and grammar, trying to come up with a flawless message. They aren’t pressured or put on the spot as in a real-life encounter. The power of the written world can be intoxicating. Online people can create their own personae, perhaps like the persons they wish they could be — romantic, confident, self-assured, sensuous or even domineering. Real people don’t stand a chance compared with these cyber characters.
Many times in cyber affairs, the person feels uninhibited when expressing him or herself. They will indulge in conversations that they would never speak of to their spouse or real partner. They divulge their most private fantasies because they are protected by a computer screen; they essentially have nothing to hide because they have nothing to fear.
Online affairs develop because of the dual attraction of attention and anonymity. If someone is feeling ignored by his or her spouse, he or she can easily find attention in any number of places on the ’Net. Men lurk in chat rooms, waiting to pounce on the next unappreciated and sexually frustrated wife to log on. The fantasy sex is the best that one can imagine, because it is imagined. Women are erotic, kinky and bold, while the men are sensitive, compassionate and loving. Although an affair may seem perfect online, it cannot replace that of a real intimate relationship that provides friendship, support and respect.
Warning signs
There are telltale signs that a person may be having an affair online. “When the real-life partner walks into the room, the person will quickly change the webpage or exit off the computer,” Mahue said, adding that if the person who is having the affair is unable to react quickly enough, there is usually some type of angry outburst that follows, addressing their need for privacy. Excessive use of the computer may also be a sign. “They will stay up late on the computer, like they are doing their taxes year-round,” she said.
Canfield added that an increase in computer usage, coupled with a distancing behavior, could be an indication that something is not right within the relationship. “If the spouse is spending a lot of time online — avoiding contact, conversation or intimacy with their partner — those are telltale signs. “If they are secretive and defensive about their communication online, or they justify it as being innocuous or that there is nothing wrong with it — that it is just simply friends chatting online — those are things to watch for.”
Mahue also said that, many times, the person who is having the affair will have arranged to be online at specific time, and if their partner delays that meeting, they become upset and agitated.
Effects
Online relationships frequently cross fidelity boundaries and cause pain, heartbreak and even divorce. Even though online affairs don’t involve sex or oftentimes not even a possibility of the partners meeting in-person, they can be very intense and threatening to a marriage or partnership. “When people discover their partner is having an online affair, there is a very big emotional explosion, on par with a real-life affair,” Mahue said. “Lying about distance and using the partner for a vehicle of fantasy can cause incredible emotional damage.”
Those who have been cheated on feel outraged, hurt, ignored, insignificant, doubtful and betrayed. Many times, the partner was blamed for sexual problems in the relationship, and excuses were made to avoid intimacy. The adults are not the only ones who suffer; children in the family often feel ignored, unloved or confused.
Canfield agreed, noting that the emotional intimacy can be the most harmful to the existing relationship. “It can have a devastating effect, but as with any type of affair, it can be a catalyst for change in the relationship.”
Coping
In order for a couple to move past an online affair, both individuals must acknowledge and be willing to improve the situation. “One person can’t do it. If the couple mutually recognizes that there is a problem, then they can attempt to work it out,” Canfield said. “But many couples find it more beneficial to find a third party or marriage counselor to assist them in working through these issues.”
Mahue agreed. “As counselors, we try not to make value judgments, but instead put it back on the client and ask them how they define their vows to one another.” Once understandable and precise boundaries are established, both parties will then know what is expected of them, and they can re-commit to the marriage.
Once the affair is acknowledged, a couple can begin to repair their relationship. They then face the task of re-establishing trust and examining the underlying issues that may have caused the affair.
“The Internet didn’t create the problem; it just provides the means for the problem to emerge,” said Canfield.
Here are some suggestions for those who maybe tip-toeing the line online:
• Consider what is lacking in your life and why this is causing you to seek the emotional and sexual attention outside of the relationship.
• Attempt to break off contact with the individual.
• Talk with your spouse about your feelings and areas that you do not find satisfying in the relationship.
• Seek marital or sexual counseling.
• Take a hiatus from the Internet.
• Move the computer to an open area to avoid temptation.
• Use the computer for specific tasks only.
• Only log on when family members are present.
• Install ’Net safety tools or firewalls.
This article originally appeared in Counseling Today (a publication of the American
Counseling Association) in February 2004 (Volume 46, Number 8). Reprinted with permission.